Frustrated...

I'm so frustrated with myself. Have you ever felt so bad because not only have you let yourself down but you've also let God down?

That's how I feel right now. Totally uncomfortable...and totally frustrated at my own weakness.

Mike and I were downtown tonight studying at U of T. As we were driving back up town like any other night, my eyes and my heart were suddenly opened for what it seemed like the very first time.

As we were coming around the usual turns in the street, I saw a young girl standing at the corner of the street by herself as if she was waiting for someone to come pick her up and in exchange for money; her sexuality.

As we drove by, our eyes met and all of a sudden I felt so incredibly uncomfortable. It was almost as if her eyes spoke out her fear.. During this time, Mike was telling me a story but to be honest, I couldn't even listen because my heart was pounding so loudly. As we made another turn, there was another girl standing by herself, ready to sell herself for whatever reason she needed to.

At this point - my mind was racing. "We should stop." I thought, "These girls need to know that Jesus loves them and that He died to save them from this." Then I thought, what happens next? I played different scenarios over and over again as we kept driving away towards home. In my mind, I thought, what if we pulled over, told them that Jesus loves them, prayed for them, took them home, cared for them, help them stand up on their own feet again. What if God had called us to save them from their circumstance?

Then I began to think, "What would my Mom think when she wakes up and in our house are two strangers?". "What if these girls bring danger to myself or Mike in the car?" Heart pounding, mind racing - couldn't quite bring myself to say anything even though I knew I needed to.

It wasn't until we were already well on the high way that Mike could sense something was wrong. I told him how I felt in fear and trembling because I've never quite felt this way before. He told me, "God is doing something right now. What is He saying to you?" Frustrated, I replied, "I don't know...!" But really, I did know. I was wrestling with God. He was telling me to go back, turn around and to do something about this - something so disturbingly wrong is such a huge reality in many people's lives around the world. I only saw a tiny, tiny glimpse of it tonight..

Once again I said, "Ugh....I don't know. After seeing Kirk not hesitate to welcome a hitch hiker into his car in the middle of the night in our weekend in Canmore - my eyes have been open to the truth that there should be no fear in welcoming people like that into our 'car's. Ugh...what do I do?"

Mike then replied calmly, "I can't make that decision for you. You just tell me, and I'll turn this car around. But it has to be your choice."

We drove. And drove. I hesitated and hesitated. Finally, we were on my driveway - me feeling defeated by my own flesh, I began to cry.

"I'm so frustrated with myself!!! Why can't I just obey?" I'm always telling people that delayed obedience is still disobedience..why can't I practice what I preach?! Mike began to remind me of what it meant to have a discontent with our world...and that the closer we get to our Father's heart the more uncomfortable our lives become. What sin has done to us and our world is completely unsettling. How can anyone be at peace?

But just as this ARGH feeling rises, hope rises too. Mike reminded me that hope is not lost and perhaps this is the beginning of something for me. He told me that he's never seen me react to this situation like this before and he prayed that I would enter my house feeling all the more uncomfortable...

We prayed for the two girls I saw...and we prayed that we would not forget what breaks our Dad's heart..

I know there are second chances with my Father, I know that His mercies are new every morning, I know there is forgiveness...

I still can't help but feel frustrated with myself...but just as Shelly reminded me a week ago - I need to remember His peace is for today. His daily bread is enough for today. I just need to be faithful and move on for today. Tomorrow will have it's opportunities, it's challenges, it's peace and of course, my Jesus will be enough for me tomorrow as He was today and yesterday. So I pray for my boldness tomorrow and I pray that when I wake up the feeling of uncomfortableness would only increase until I do something about it...

Father, help me to love you deeply because to love you is to obey.