Fear of Failure

This may be one of the most vulnerable posts I post. I hope this attempt will enable some, identify with others and perhaps encourage most.

Have you ever had one of those 'dark nights' in your spiritual journey? I experienced my first at the end of my third year. But first, let's take it back a few years before that. Let's take it back to Grade 9 when I came to know Jesus as my Best Friend.

Ever since the gradual one eighty change in my life I had always been filled with fervor and zeal to serve the One who saved me from the deepest pit. Where He was movin' and shakin' I'd be there also. I was hungry for His Word and utterly passionate for His fame.

As I grew in my love for Him so did my faith. I saw visions come to pass and dreams come true. I experienced the 'impossible' and stepped into a world of possibilities and opportunities to serve Him in varying contexts. I literally came face to face with the immense HUGE-NESS of God especially during the last two years of my high school career - mainly in the form of a movement called Youth On A Hill.

A blessing; it became in many obvious ways such as the deepening of my faith and boldness, opportunities to serve in arenas not even imaginable to a 16 year old. Favor wherever I went and provision wherever needed.

Yet at times, it almost became a 'curse'. Entering university I always looked back and hoped, desired and prayed for similar revelation, favor, passion during my time there. I found myself comparing, cookie-cutter-ing the ideas and themes of high school. I forgot that the Lord is one who works things anew. There were times when I reminded myself, 'forget the past, strain for what's ahead' but the lie of 'YOAH' being anything I'll ever accomplish stuck with me. Oh the pride...oh the disbelief!

Yet...how merciful and gracious is our God? Despite me, He still used me. The first few years of uni. was marked with unprecedented unity amongst the Body at York, fervent and continuous prayers, taking ground through bold campaigns, earnest hearts seeking the Lord for our university.

At the end of my first year I joined a group of Jesus lovin' Chinese Christians. Almost immediately, I found a community where I could grow, serve, be stretched and experience mutual agape.

In my third year, I was given the honor to lead and serve this fellowship. In the past I had had the experience of leading high school fellowships and at that point in my life I was serving at the junior high ministry at my church as well as unity initiatives on campus. All of which I found His grace and favor in the 'success' of it all.

So stepping into leadership at this campus fellowship I was confident. Confident in His leading and direction and perhaps, almost unconsciously, confident in my 'ability'. Oh how wrong was I!

It was in this serving capacity that I came face to face with failure, unhelpful gossip and discouragement. It was in that place where I came to realize that I wasn't 'all that' after all. Week after week, the pressure to 'deliver' left His shoulders, where everything rightly should be, to mine. Program after program, the insecurity of my leading, the response (or lack thereof) helpful and unhelpful continued to lay heavily upon my heart. Things were not working out, why? Because of me. Although I knew that that was a complete lie I fell for it - taking on responsibility for 'failed' programs.

I never really understood the hard work this ministry required and disappointments that would meet me that year. I was completely caught off guard and not ready for it at all.

Don't get me wrong - as I mentioned earlier, despite me, He was still in control, still working, still softening hearts drawing all people to Him. I just felt responsible when things were visibally not working out.

Oh the pride!!

At the end of my third year, I had reached one of the lowest and darkest points in my walk. I felt as if I had failed God, my fellowship and all that I was a part of outside of school. I didn't understand why everything came so 'easily' before and why things got so 'difficult'. It had to be me - what else could it have been?

It took weeks and months for me to get over that lie. I became acquainted with St.John of the Cross' Dark Night of the Soul for that is truly what it felt like during that time. Even though overcoming the lie with His Truth - I really didn't realize the after-affects it had on me until recently. As I left for my four month 'hiatus' to Asia last summer God had lead me into a season of rest and discovery. I stepped down from ministries that I was involved in and refrained from serving long term back at home.

I attended The Vine in HK and it was there that I became aware of God's work in revealing these attitudes and issues that still unconsciously affected me. It was there that I was confronted with my inability to take initiative, fear of serving/stepping out and the insecurity of how others viewed me. All that I once surrendered to the Lord I picked it back up - simply and only because I had left for brief moments, His gaze.

Yet it wasn't like that for the whole summer, there were breakthroughs in many areas as God still chose to use me, despite me. (<-- that's becoming a catch phrase!) He spoke to me in His still small voice reminding me who I am in His eyes and affirming my purpose and call to Asia.

I came home and the doors kept opening - from participating and preaching at conferences and retreats to meeting key people in alignment to what God was speaking to me about. I was reminded of what it meant to be 'human' again opposed to being in 'robot' mode. I had time to reinvest in my friendships...in short, I actually had TIME to take part in events or even chat with a friend!! All of which were the simple things in life that I had found difficulty to juggle in the previous years. It felt great to rest and re-learn the essence of ministry, which is relationships; people.

So I rested, I rested and I rested. For a whole semester, I received from Him and it was so refreshing and great. But slowly, I began to let comfort, apathy and all that lukewarm gunk sink into my life.

I had forgotten the power of Christ that is within me...the righteousness that is now mine because of Him. I had forgotten that the talents He has given me is not something I bury deep into the ground.

Sure, I needed a season of rest - He called me into it...but now He's calling me out of it. As the Spirit has been gently nudging at me, I would come up with excuses, doubts and somewhat convictions that this 'rest season' was not over yet. I was convicted with the issues of this world at Urbana and was called to action yet did little about it.

Three weeks ago, the young adults pastors from The Vine, Derek and Janice Ma came to Toronto to attend a conference. The very night they landed; Mike and I had dinner with them. Over rosti's, Derek challenged me and asked me what God has been calling me to do post-Asia and whether or not this 'rest' period was still in effect. I told him plainly that I was still seeking the Lord about what to get involved in and what He wanted me to do. I really was seeking...but perhaps, in 'held back' fashion.

Fast forward to tonight. The Ma's return to HK this Saturday. A bunch of us met up and had a 'farewell dinner' for them. During dinner we reminisced about The Vine and caught up with our lives here in Toronto which was fine and dandy. But when dessert came I was confronted with something much more intense than our multi-colored ice cream.

Derek asked me the same question he asked me when they first arrived. What I was doing and where God is leading me. My answered remained the same. It was then that I realized my apathy, fear of stepping out again and believing the lie that I can't be used in the same way if not greater than the 'golden' years of high school and first few years of university.

It's not the fact that God wants us to work for Him in hopes of a reward. That is not the God we serve. What He requires of me is more than just 'doing something'. What He desires of me is for me to use what He's entrusted me with and to use it to it's fullest potential. Yes, I had a pretty bad burn-out, but I'm passed that now. Healing and restoration has come - rest has come - but now what?

In those moments as Derek spoke strong words to me, I felt so lost and almost angry. What was the next step? What do I do now? I want Him so bad but I felt the sting of fear all over again. Then Derek said, do you believe that if the servant who was entrusted with 10 talents didn't bring back double-fold of what he was given - would he still have been praised? What if he only brought back one more? What if he lost some? Would he still have received praise from His master? Yes, yes he would! Why? Because he actually DID something with what he was given! He was a good steward - whether or not he succeeded or failed was not the main point - what was of most importance was that he put his talents to use!!

That is the same call I receive today! Perfect love casts out all fear. I needn't be afraid of what's to come. I needn't be ashamed to share glories of the past - afterall, it's our (His and mine) story! I desire to pray those dangerous prayers again. I desire to preach with fire again. I desire to serve Him with an unwavering heart again. I desire to desire Him and His fame and renown more passionately again! All I need to do is to step out and trust Him. Through success and failure - what matters most is that I lose the bench warmer identity and take on the participating player identity.

What matters most is that despite me, He still loves me.